Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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