I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
