I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
