I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
