I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
