Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
