I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Farmville is her only friend.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
