Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
