apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
