i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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