Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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