Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
