Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
