Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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