I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
