If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
