call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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