There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
