he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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