idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
