I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
