My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
