so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
