I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
