You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
