Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
