i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Randomize
