yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
