I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
