He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Congratulations! We have a period
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
