I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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