you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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