My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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