If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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