That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize