haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
