I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
