Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
