I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
