dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
