He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
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