In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
