And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
