Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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