when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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