That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
