im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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