New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
