I just saw a hot homeless man
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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