So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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