I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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